I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
