he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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