I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
