I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
