he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
