Someone shit on the floor
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize