I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
