I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
