Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
