Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
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