Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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