Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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