WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You have to summon your inner elephant
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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