Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
