Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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