you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
