I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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