I just threw up on my dentist
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize