there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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