I think I just saw someone hide a body.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
