i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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