I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
