she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
