you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Houston, we have a blender
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
