I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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