awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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