Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
