I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
