I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
