i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize