He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
