smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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