i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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