I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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