I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize