Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
