he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
