Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize