Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
