in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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