I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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