Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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