You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
