hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize