I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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