If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
