I am midnight drunk by noon
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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