Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
