I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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