i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
