I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
