If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Girls should come with a carfax report
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
