I think im going to throw up on grandma
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
