why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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