No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We had to coat check the pizza.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
