My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
