when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
