Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
