I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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