cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
