i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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