is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
