I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize