why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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